Throughout my tours, I've run into some real characters. The most "character-ish" ones are those I've already told you about. The others are people I'd rather forget. In fact, "the others" is an appropriate reference for these whack-jobs.

"Others" are people who are so wrapped up into themselves, they can't stand the thought of someone else being on stage for three-and-a-half minutes. "What if everyone forgets I am here," the others think to themselves. "I cannot let them forget about me. I'm here, and I'm more important. I'll ruin everyone else's performance to make up for my low self-esteem and poor personal hygiene."
 
Eventually, this story is about etiquette. Wait for it.

It's November and Ponch wants to do a pub crawl from a small town called Silverton back into Salem, my hometown. So I call Colt, Magnum, and my brother, Gunner. The rules are simple: We must stop at every bar or tavern on the 15 mile drive into town, and there's a bunch of 'em. The final destination will be a place called Holland's, a tiny little K-club that rocks the Jello shots and great country Karaoke. Plus they have one of my favorite KJ's of all time, Houston.

Ponch is having trouble driving from my back seat as we search for the Wooden Nickel, our first stop. We stop at a grocery store in Silverton for directions. There's an old codger enjoying a cigarette (if that's possible) next to his bicycle (huh?) outside the closed store.

"Watch this," says Ponch. I pull up next to the codger as Ponch puts down the window.

In a voice fit only for front row seats at a concert, Ponch hollers, "Excuse me sir! We're looking for the Wooden Nickel?!"

Seriously, it was loud. As the man approached, Ponch only got louder. So the man would back up again. The codger talked quieter and quieter to subtly let Ponch know that his volume was unnecessary. Ponch was oblivious. We laughed our @$$($ off all the way to the Nickel. We're still laughing about it.

From the Wooden Nickel to Holland's, we had the time of our lives. Who knew? It was a blast... This is what Ponch looks like when he's having a blast.



Once at Holland's we arrived in a big way. The same crowd is in there every Friday and Saturday for Karaoke. Houston, the KJ, is a truck driver from the big city, and he looks the part... Need I say more?



I'm known there, and people turn to look who's with me. They know not to ask for autographs because, when I'm there, I'm with the people. I have fun with it, because whoever is the newbie of our group is assigned to be my body-man. "No one gets too close," I instruct. Then we all laugh as "22" (as we named him honorarily) steps between me and whomever wants to say hello. Then I get to make fun of him for never relaxing.

"Remember the incident in Atlanta, 22? Chill out!"

Now for the real story. There was this guy dressed like Elvis. OK, he wasn't REALLY dressed like Elvis. But he was growing his hair and sideburns like Elvis. The rest was an accident. Not accidentally Elvis-like, just an accident period. He was a train wreck.

Apparently, he thinks Elvis had a "thing" for turquoise jewelry, because he was decked out with a turquoise ring on every finger, turquoise bracelets and a necklace. This guy was trying to "make it" as an Elvis impersonator. He brought his guitar and wore gaudy gold Vegas Elvis glasses and the whole deal. Check it out...



Here's where the etiquette comes in. Elvis was thoroughly annoying everyone as he would play background guitar for every singer on stage. Houston didn't discourage it, which didn't help, but what the hell. I knew that when I got up there, this guy was going to Bogart my song. I knew I had to do it up big. I went for "old faithful," Who's Your Daddy by Toby Keith--a crowd favorite at Holland's.

As predicted, Elvis grabs his guitar and a mic and starts in. You can't get any more rude than this behavior. So after the first verse, I introduce him.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm Holland's welcome to your friend and everyone's favorite collector of big finger-jewelry, he's here all the way from Las Vegas, Nevada... (wait for it...)

"... Mr. Wayne Newton!"

The best part? He looked a little hurt that I didn't recognize his impersonation. Perfect.

Here's a recap. If you're going to watch Karaoke with friends or by yourself, do the courteous thing...

* Don't heckle or talk loudly over the singer. Granted, you're not at a concert, but someone's putting on a performance, and you ought to respect it, good or bad.
* Give 'em a hand... applaud everyone.
* If you're a singer, don't swallow or slobber on the mic. That's gross. Hold it about 1-3 inches from your chin.
* Never point the mic down or toward a speaker. Feedback tells the audience you're a novice.
* If the mic is wired, never swing it. That stuff is expensive for those clubs to replace.
* If the mic is wireless, treat it like a rotten egg. Don't break it or you'll be the stinker.
* Don't sing drunk. If you do, only you will think you sound good.
* Tip your KJ. These guys and girls aren't getting rich doing this, and in many cases they have to put up with more B.S. than servers. Look deep into your conscience. It's in your wallet and it is colored green. Show the love.
* Instead of asking the KJ "Am I going to be up anytime soon?" acknowledge the great number of singers, and just ask them who you will be after.
* Fair is fair, if the KJ lies to you about when you're up, or he has a poor rotation, go to www.karaokeworldtour.com and write them a truthful review. Happens to me all the time, and payback's a bitch. Funny, female singers rarely have a problem with this.

I told you I'd get around to the etiquette part, right?

Here's an etiquette challenge. What to do if you're friend asks you how you liked his/her performance when he/she sucked? Get a mediator.

No, really, be gracious. Tell him/her that he/she looked really good on stage.

I emcee a live band Karaoke gig, and I get asked my opinion of performances all the time. I turn it around on them. "Did you find that you could hear yourself OK? You're such a good singer but you were off a bit, probably because you couldn't hear yourself."

Or if they have a sense of humor, tell them "if you were any better, we'd call you William Hung."

You could try the sarcastic approach. "Just because everybody else kills that song, doesn't mean you have to do it too. Let's work on 'Puff the Magic Dragon' and work our way up from there."

Or you could take the practical approach. "You know, that song just isn't in the range of any guy without a rubber band in his pants."

Or the mean approach. "Next time, stick to the air guitar."

See you on tour,

Kyle J.

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